OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
