my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
