I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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