Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
