3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize