the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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