that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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