We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
