i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize