I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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