new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
