Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
