don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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