I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
