fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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