What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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