and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I love you. Go after that dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
