I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
