Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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