she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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