I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize