Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my shit smells like andre
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
