My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
