Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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