I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
