I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
