I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
