Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
