Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
