I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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