I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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