I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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