who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
