she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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