My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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