my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
