Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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