At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
