you have to choose: penises or morals?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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