You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
