Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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