i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
