Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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