What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
