Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
