the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
