I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
