His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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