i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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