Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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