mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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