I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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