my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
