True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
