Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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