I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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