I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
