I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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