he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
