you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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