who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
