Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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