you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
