you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
