Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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