The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
